Grinning like an idiot

Well, I know I’ve been a little radio silent since December. But there’s been a reason. And for once, it’s not that I got too busy and didn’t find the time to write.

I’ve actually been writing a lot. 

You see, back in December, I was helping a very good friend of mine with his applications for a Master of Fine Arts program, and on a whim, I looked up the creative writing program description at the university to which he was applying.

“You should do it,” he told me.

“But I don’t have a writing sample, and I’d have to do all these personal statements, and I just don’t know. I mean, I need a really good writing sample.”

“You have a month. Start writing.”

Damn if he doesn’t have a way of just speaking truth.

I had a lot more holding me back than just the writing sample, though. 12 years ago I got super discouraged when I applied for a PhD in Creative Writing and got turned down. Over those 12 years, I have built up that one moment of defeat into a pretty big dragon I was not eager to face again. Failure is not something I’m used to. I didn’t like it, and I didn’t want to try again. What if I got rejected? Again?

I knew what my very good friend would say to this: So what?

So I tried. I applied to four MFA creative writing programs. One traditional, and three others that are a mixture of online courses and week long visits to the campus throughout the two year program. For two months, I spent nearly every day writing and editing and rewriting and proofreading and polishing stories and personal statements and resumes and generally doing all the things I’ve been teaching kids to do for the last 8 years.  

I had no expectations, except that I was fairly certain I wouldn’t get in. But I’d made my peace with that. I was willing to try one more time. Why else had I quit my job and turned my life upside down if not for this kind of chance?

I know that some will find it silly — why does someone with two Masters degrees need a third? Do I really want to go into debt? Can’t I just, like, write my novel without having to pay other people to help me write it?

Maybe all of that is true. But I also knew that this is what I needed. I love school, always have. I think that’s why I semi-tricked myself into thinking that I would love teaching. But there is a difference between being the teacher and being the student, and I thrive as a student. Learning is my favorite thing to do. 

I also know that joining an MFA program will give me access to the biggest thing I’m missing — a community of writers. I love all my friends and family dearly, and though they (you) are supportive, I cannot get the feedback and constructive criticism I need to push my writing where it needs to go. 

I kept all this to myself, which is why I didn’t blog for the last few months. The only thing I wanted to write about was my applications, but the only thing I didn’t want to talk about was my applications. If things didn’t turn out the way I wanted, I could just pretend I’d never tried. Maybe it was cowardice, but I couldn’t stand the thought of facing people if I’d announced my intentions and then failed. 

But, I can talk about it now. Because of the four schools I applied to, three accepted me. 

Today, I made it official and accepted an offer (and a $10,000 scholarship) from Lesley University. I will spend a week in June (if coronavirus lets me this year!) and January in Cambridge, Massachusetts, for the next two years — and if you know me, you know how exciting the prospect of required time in Boston is for me. 

In between those weeks, I will work one-on-one with professors who will push me to explore and read new things and work on my craft. I will get the chance to learn more about the publishing industry and hopefully do an internship with a publishing agency or literary journal. I will have the opportunity next year to study abroad in Wales if everything works out, which I plan on turning into a month-long tour of the UK (at least).

At the end of this, I will have a book that should be pretty close to publishable.

Over the next several months, I’ll be applying to scholarships like a mad woman, so I might be MIA again. More than anything, though, I’ll simply be reveling in amazement that I’m finally getting to do what I wanted with my life. 

(Also, for the record, I’m not at all sad it’s taken this long to get here — I would not be getting this opportunity had I not met all of the people and had all of the experiences I’ve had over the last 10 years. There are too many of you to name, but just know that if you worked at BISD or at Tal’s Camp and/or are related to me in one way or another, you have a lot to do with this moment. Thank you.)

I’m getting my MFA, folks. I can’t stop grinning like an idiot about it.